The Diary
by tortuousphoenix
Summary: What happened to Craig after that fateful day in the airport in September 2007, JPC implyed, C/OC. Chapters 10, 15 and 19 have slightly more adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

September 21st 2007

It's really insane how you can open up to someone you only just met!

Yesterday my life fell apart. The only person I've ever really loved told me he loved me, but he deserved better. What the fuck does that mean?! We were meant to be leaving our life in Chester behind to start a new life in Dublin together, but he changed his mind at the last minute. He asked me to kiss him, in the middle of the airport! I'm used to the fact that I'm in love with another guy, but I don't wanna shove it in people's faces! Ok, so maybe that's not really true, that's not why I didn't kiss him. I guess I don't want people to look at me and think I'm gay, cause I'm not, I just fell in love with a guy, one guy, it's a one off, I seriously doubt I'd ever fall for a guy again, mind you, I might never fall for anyone again cause right now, I don't think I'll ever get over the guy who broke my heart.

I honestly have no idea how I got to Dublin or made it to my flat. It was like I was walking in a daze, my feet just carried me without any assistance from my brain, I still can't believe I'm here on my own, it's just not real.

The flat I managed to get looks pretty decent, big kitchen, living area and four double rooms. Wireless internet access and all the comforts of home, except of course my boyfriend. It's in a pretty quiet area but looks to be not too far from uni and subsequently, the uni nightlife so should be easy to stumble from the pub to home without getting into too much trouble.

I've got three flatmates, Lexie, another fresher who was here when I got here, Stuart, a second year whom Lexie says was here last week but left for a while and another girl who should be arriving in the next few days.

Anyways, for some reason I felt really comfortable with Lexie, I'm not sure why. I'm usually so guarded when I meet new people, especially lately, but last night I just let go and totally unloaded onto her. She was just so easy to talk to, I knew straight away she wouldn't be judging me or anything so I told her everything, starting with the end and working my way back. She thinks it might have been for the best, give me a chance to get used to who I am, whomever that may be and get comfortable with the idea of kissing another man in public before I try and fix things with John Paul. She said I should keep in touch with him, tell him I understand why he couldn't come with me and that I was going to try and be the man he needs me to be if only he'll wait for me (her words, not mine)! But how can I do that when I don't really understand? How can I get comfortable with being in love with another man if he's not here for me to love?!

I really don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to cope with this. John Paul was all I was holding on to for the last few months, loving him was all that kept me going. How do I do this without him? Lexie suggested I start a journal, so that's what I'm doing. I've never done this before, I'm not sure how it goes but I guess I'll just use it to record what I'm thinking and doing, vent when I'm angry, cry when I'm upset and maybe it'll give me the strength to keep going.

Who knows, maybe one day I'll share it with John Paul and he can see just how much he really means to me and how hard I'm trying to be the man he needs me to be.


	2. Chapter 2

September 22nd 2007

I stayed up late with Lexie last night. All I wanted to do was drown my sorrows but she wouldn't let me. She kept me entertained and kept my mind off John Paul. I told her all about my family, how mum, Debbie and Steph are total drama queens, love the spotlight. I told her all sorts of old stories about the three of them fighting over the microphone to the karaoke machine. I told her about Jake and the stupid stuff we got up to as kids. I told her about all the old schemes and plans and everything I used to do to make money. Come to think of it, I don't think I mentioned my love life once, or all the crap with dad. God, she is good! She knew just what questions to ask to get to know me and make me smile, but not make me think about what I've lost. I can tell she's going to be a really great friend. But, come to think of it, she barely told me anything about herself. She's from Glasgow, She's seventeen, she has one older sister, but that's all I know about her. We're going to go out this afternoon, see a bit of Dublin, grab some food, I need to make sure and ask her more questions instead of talking about me all the time.

September 22nd 2007 – Entry 2.

So, Lexie and I had a great day sightseeing in Dublin. We did the whole tourist thing, open top bus around the city, in and out the shops and a few pubs along the way. I got some stuff to send back to Mum and the rest of the family, I just hope they like it. Lexie dragged me into this store which specialised in old rock stuff. It had lots of rock chic clothes which she wanted to have a look at and a large record section. It's the kind of store I know John Paul would have loved. As we were wondering around the store, for a split second I forgot we weren't talking and I thought how I'd need to make sure and take him to the store. Then I remembered. Since I'd told Lexie John Paul's a DJ, she must have realised what my sudden frown meant and she dropped the stuff she was looking at and dragged me outta the store.

After the record store we headed to a pub for some dinner and I made good on my plan to talk about her and not me, well, I tried to anyway.

Every question I asked her about her past she skirted round it. I asked her what she was into as a kid and she told me about the music she loves. I asked what she was like at school and she told me how much she loves to read and loves to write and told me a story about this six hundred page book she took to school one day when they had a reading day in her English class. I asked her about friends and she told me about a show that the school has put on every year for as long as she can remember and her part in it over the last few years. I asked about her family, her parents and her sister and her only response was to say there wasn't much to say, before moving on and asking me more about my mum and siblings.

It's really weird! I know she loves to read, I know her favourite authors. I know she loves to write but have no idea what kinda stuff she writes. I know she loves music and I know all about her favourite bands. I know she's a really fussy eater and not much of a drinker. I know she doesn't smoke or do drugs. I know she's studying computing science and has no idea what she wants to do after uni, but I know absolutely nothing about her past! How did she get into rock and metal music? How did she 

discover the authors she enjoys reading? How did she get into computing? What did she do in her school show? What did her friends think of her performance? Were they also involved? What were her friends like at school? What was she really like before she came to uni? What do her parents and her sister do? Was she close to her family like I am with mine?

I feel like I know this big long list of facts about her but nothing really personal. After everything I've told her since we met I don't understand why she won't open up to me!

It's almost like something is holding her back, like she has this wall between her and the world and she is stopping anything personal getting through it. She's told me enough that if I wasn't interested or really thinking about it I'd probably think I knew a lot about her but in truth I know very little about what makes her who she is.

After everything she's done for me these last few days I really hope I can help her break that wall down.


	3. Chapter 3

September 23rd 2007

Stacey arrived this morning. She's absolutely gorgeous and I guarantee if I'd been here with Sarah she'd have hated the sight of her. She'd have been so jealous of the way she's been flirting with me, but I'm just so not interested. All I can think about is John Paul; I still don't understand why he left me?!

Lexie and I went out to sample Dublin's night life last night. After dinner we came back here for an hour or so, I guess that's the advantage of being so close to the city centre, you don't have to travel for ages until you get to a decent club. We went out, walked for five minutes and were at a nightclub. We both had a bit too much to drink and I started getting really down and depressed. Lexie was great, she got me out of there and home before I got out of hand. We stumbled back here, she put the kettle on and went to get changed into some comfy clothes. By the time she came back I was sitting on the sofa, sobbing my heart out. It's the first time I've really cried since I got on the plane and I can't believe I did that in front of someone I just met, but I'm so comfortable with her, it's easy to just let it all go. She just curled up beside me and let me cry. She held me and soothed me like my mum would when I was younger. I have no idea how long we sat there but when I calmed down and looked up at her she had this little smile on her face. "About time," she said, "I thought you'd never let that go."

She made some tea and we sat talking until the sun came up. She tried to put herself in John Paul's position and tried to rationalise what he had done. I understand what she said, how he'd already gone through the hiding who he was thing. He's out and he's proud and that hasn't always been easy. If he'd come with me, I'd be forcing him backwards cause I'm not ready to be where he is and that isn't healthy for either of us. That's her view on why he did it anyway, but I just don't understand how he can walk away when he says he loves me? Surely love should overcome everything? Even though he walked away from me and he hurt me more than I knew was possible, if he came back to me right now, I'd take him back in a second. I actually got quite pissed off with her at one point; I'm surprised she didn't slap me. I yelled at her, how could she possibly understand what it was like. I was ready to give up everything for him, my family, my girlfriend, I'd even have given up trinity if he'd asked me to, but he couldn't stay with me while I tried to figure things out? That is what I don't understand; I just need time, why can't he see that?

God, John Paul, I need you, I need your help, why can't you see that?


	4. Chapter 4

Sunday September 23rd 2007

I've calmed down a bit since I updated this morning.

After my earlier update I was kinda wound up again. My emotions seem to be coming in waves. For a while I'm really angry, I can't understand why he left me, then I'm really upset that he's gone. One minute I want to kick or punch something cause I'm so mad, then I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. That's so manly. Mental note, if I ever let anyone read this, remove the last sentence!

When I went back to the common room after updating, Lexie didn't ask any questions, she just let me be for a while then came and tried to cheer me up. She didn't get very far before Stacey intervened.

She was just getting settled in and wanted to get to know us, or rather, she wanted to let us get to know her. She asked us all the same questions that I asked Lexie when we met and I noticed Lexie dodged them just as much with Stacey as she did with me, although Stacey didn't appear to notice. She reminds me so much of Sarah it's kinda scary! She's got a similar look, similar manner and mannerisms. She's from Southampton but she talks just like Sarah and she is so not interested in discussing or learning about anything out with her normal purview. For example, Lexie and I started discussing football and Stacey just got up and walked away. Lexie tried to engage her, bring her into the conversation, but she just said she didn't like sports and left. That isn't what I'd call a good attempt at making new friends. There are always going to be things we disagree on, interests we don't share but you have to make an effort. At one point today Lexie and Stacey were discussing Lost, I hate the show, I just don't get it but I stayed involved in the conversation and discussed it with them as best I could. Stacey practically dismissed my dislike by saying I just don't get while Lexie tried to explain why she likes it so much. I just don't get people like Stacey, if you disagree with her that is the end of the conversation, but with Lexie there will be discussion and debate before a mutual agreement to disagree.

Stacey loves talking about herself and her family and all the great things she's done, but I don't think she once noticed Lexie and I smiling and nodding politely, quickly losing interest.

I've got a feeling Stacey is going to annoy me, she's going to remind me of Sarah all the time and I'm just going to remember what I've given up and what I lost. I really hope I don't have to spend too much time with her.

I really hope I get to spend more time with Lexie, I can tell we're going to get on really well.


	5. Chapter 5

Monday September 24th 2007

I didn't get to spend much time on my own with Lexie yesterday. It was kinda annoying. I really like just talking to her and hanging out but barely got the chance with Stacey kicking about all day. She brought a few bottles of wine with her and kinda insisted we sit in all night getting to know each other, she just spent another few hours talking about herself and polishing off most of the wine! Lexie and I just kept smiling and nodding and being polite whilst looking at each other and rolling our eyes. Lexie told me later, in one of the few quiet moments we had, that as much as she tries to see the best in everyone, if Stacey continues the way she had been Lexie will be doing her best to avoid her. Stacey is all about the going out and having fun and partying and drinking whereas Lexie is much happier to sit in with a DVD and a glass of wine. Kinda surprised by that, when I was seventeen I was much more like Stacey than Lexie but since everything that's happened, going out and getting drunk all the time just doesn't hold the same appeal to me. It makes me wonder about Lexie's past again, why doesn't she enjoy going out? We had fun on our night out, it's not like she can't dance or looks uncomfortable or out of place in a club, she had guys lining up to buy her drinks, why wouldn't you like that when you're a young, beautiful single girl? Come to think of it, she never said she's single, but she never said she was attached either, I'll need to remember to ask her at some point.

As Stacey got more and more drunk, Lexie excused herself and went to bed. I followed pretty soon after as, without Lexie as a buffer, Stacey's advances got more and more overt. She wasn't exactly subtle when Lexie was in the room but she was practically jumping on me when Lexie left.

I had a dream last night. I'd been strong enough and said fuck it to everyone watching, I'd kissed John Paul in the middle of the airport. Everyone was there, mum, Jack, Darren, Steph, Jake, even Dad and Debbie were there. John Paul's family were there, so were Sarah, Nancy and Hannah, even Spike was there, but it didn't matter, I kissed him anyway, but for some reason, he still walked away.

I woke up in a cold sweat, tears running down my face; I was shaking from head to toe. I took a few minutes to calm down then headed to the kitchen, intending on getting a drink and going back to bed.

When I got to the common room Lexie was standing by the windows, looking out to the empty Dublin Street below. She was cradling a mug of something I later found out was hot chocolate and seemed totally oblivious to my presence. I stood for a minute watching her, I don't think I'd realised before just how pretty she really is. Stacey is pretty in an obvious way, really slender, looks great in the tight fitting clothes she had on, her brown hair flowing over her back, her makeup looking pristine, until she got drunk anyway, but Lexie is nothing like that. She wears baggy t-shirts and combats most of the time. Her light brown hair has always been up and she's never worn more makeup than some lip gloss, even when we went out the other night. Her going out clothes were still pretty baggy, a nice loose top and trousers, nothing tight, nothing fitted, nothing that really showed any skin.

But now she was in her bed clothes, wearing what looked like a pair of guys boxers and a tank top, another top was over the chair beside her. I saw her figure for the first time. She's not fat, not by any stretch of the imagination, but she's really well built, all the right curves in the right places. Her hair was down for the first time, I had no idea how long it really is. The street lights shining through the window 

were illuminating her and bouncing off her shiny hair, making her look like she had lots of little amber spot lights fixed on her, almost like she was glowing. I stood quietly, watching her, amazed at how beautiful she is and how I can appreciate it without any sexual overtones. It made me wonder if maybe I am totally gay and it's just taken my brain and libido this extra time to catch up with my emotions. I didn't have time to think about it though as Lexie noticed my presence and dropped her mug.

What happened next was kinda weird, it was obviously hot as when the liquid hit her arm she said "Shit," and put her hand over her arm, like she was rubbing away the pain, but when I tried to go and help her she snapped that it was fine and quickly moved out of my reach, grabbing her top from the chair and putting it on. As soon as it was on she turned back to me and smiled, said again she was fine, then went about cleaning up the spilled liquid. I know she wasn't fine but how do I force the issue when I've only known her a few days? Once it was cleared she went back to bed. I haven't seen her since.

I wonder why she wouldn't let me help her? Or even, why did she wouldn't admit she was hurt?


	6. Chapter 6

Monday September 24th 2007 – Entry 2

I can't believe I haven't seen Lexie all day.

Stacey said she hadn't gone out, so I kicked around the common room, mucking around on my laptop, watching TV, rebuking Stacey's advances every five bloody seconds and worrying about Lexie. Is she avoiding me now? Has she gotten a crush on me or something cause I've been so open with her? She has to know I can't and won't return it! No, that can't be it, she wouldn't do that, even if she did, why pull away from me when I tried to help her?

One good thing about this situation with Lexie, I haven't had time to worry about John Paul!

Tuesday September 25th 2007

Stuart turned up again this morning. He introduced himself as our RA, if we need any help we've to ask him, then he disappeared into his room and I haven't seen him since. I still haven't seen Lexie since Sunday night, I'm really kinda worried about her, maybe I should go to her room, make sure she's okay?

Tuesday September 25th 2007 – Entry 2

So, I did it, I went by Lexie's room and tried to talk to her. She let me in, begrudgingly. Her room is pretty bare. She's got lots of DVDs and a TV/DVD Player, a PC and a laptop, lots of technical stuff but nothing really personal. There is a bookcase with lots of books and folders but no pictures, not even a poster, nothing about her past.

Her room was really hot, probably due to all of the electrical stuff she had running. I could tell she was hot, but still, she was wearing a long sleeved jumper and heavy trousers. It's almost like she doesn't want anyone to see her skin. I wonder if maybe she's had some hard times and maybe did that self harm thing? I remember hearing about Lisa Hunter doing it, I never understood it then, I just thought it was crazy, I'll need to keep an open mind if that is what's up with Lexie. I asked her how she was, how her arm was after the other night and she just kept saying she was fine, thanked me for my concern but honestly, it was nothing. She quickly turned the conversation round to me and how I was doing, she did it so smoothly I was telling her about my dream before I even realised it. We sat on her bed talking for ages, but I still didn't find out anything else about her. It's almost like she has no past. I don't want to snoop and I don't want her to feel like she has to run and hide from me all the time, I just want her to be herself, I hope I got that across to her without giving her the idea I would maybe want more.

Why do things have to be so confusing, I think I need to be honest with her, tell her I know she's not okay, I know she's hiding something, I know she doesn't want to talk about her past but I want to let her know I'm here if she needs anything. She's been a great friend to me since I got here and I want to be that for her. I'm not going to push her, I'm not going to pressure her, but I'm always here if she needs me. I like the sound of that, maybe I should drop that into an email to her, or a txt, better than try to say it to her, I just know I'd get all tongue tied and mess it up. No, that's too impersonal, I'll tell her next time I speak to her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Wednesday 26th September 2007**

I didn't get to see Lexie again yesterday, haven't seen her today yet either. I don't know if she is genuinely busy, avoiding Stacey or avoiding me.  
I spent some time with Stuart last night, just kicking back, having a beer and watching the football. He seemed a little perturbed at having to share with a bunch of freshers but once he realised I was the same age as him he lightened up a bit. He seems like a pretty okay, normal guy, hopefully we can be mates. The only problem with spending time with him, he makes me think of John Paul. We were watching the Reading & Liverpool match and I just kept thinking what John Paul would be saying and doing if he were here. It really made me miss him. Lucky for me, Stuart just thought I was enthralled by the match and didn't notice me getting upset thinking about John Paul!

I spoke to mum last night for the first time since I got here. I obviously called her when I landed and got to the flat but didn't speak for long cause I was still reeling from what had happened. She didn't ask me about John Paul during either call, I'm guessing she knows now and doesn't wanna bring it up. I told her about my flatmates and I think she thinks I'll hook up with either Stacey or Lexie. I tried to tell her it wasn't going to happen but I don't think she was really listening.  
I need to go into uni for the first time and register, get my Student ID and sign a few forms, think I'll try and grab Lexie before I go, see if she wants to go for a drink when I'm done.  
**  
Wednesday 26th September 2007 – Entry 2**

I finally managed to pin Lexie down earlier. She was heading out to register same time as me. I felt kinda bad cause I just decided to tag along, didn't give her much of a chance to say I couldn't go with her.

We chatted all the way to uni, I told her about my call with Mum and my night in with Stuart. She rightly guessed how much it made me miss John Paul and kept me talking about that for ages. Once we registered we went to the Student Union for a drink and she actually apologised for being so distant. She said that she just takes these moods every now and then where she just wants to be on her own. She said she snaps out of it pretty quickly and she knows its weird and people worry about her but she stressed that it was no big deal. I'm not sure I really buy it but I told her if she ever needs anything, she can talk to me. I hope I got the point across; I really wanna help her if she needs it.

**Wednesday 26th September 2007 – Entry 3**

FUCKING JAKE!!

**Thursday 27th September 2007**

So, last update last night was short and sweet LoL.

Backtracking a little, after registering and a quick drink, Lexie and I came back here; planning to go out for something to eat and hit the same club we did at the weekend. Stacey and Stuart were kicking around the flat and decided to tag along. I really shouldn't have minded, I mean, we're all going to be living together and hopefully we'll all be friends, but I was looking forward to spending time with Lexie like we did before they arrived, spending time as a foursome makes me think back to when it was me and Sarah and Hannah and John Paul, all going out and having fun together, that makes me miss my friendship with John Paul all the more!

I felt really bad for Lexie when we were getting ready. Stacey was all dressed up in this skimpy little outfit. I think there was less material in her whole outfit than there was in Lexie's top! Stacey didn't really have a go at Lexie, but she commented on how she could be more sexy, make more of an effort, but then she really overstepped the mark, she called Lexie frumpy! I've never hit a girl before, but I could have swung for her then. Lexie looked great, it was just a different kind of great to Stacey, in fact, for me anyway, Stacey was way over the top, she wouldn't looked more at home in a club in London, not a student club in Dublin. I tried to tell her that but she just wouldn't listen.

Lexie got this look on her face when Stacey was talking; I'm really not sure what it was. She was trying to smile and act like the comments didn't bother her but I'm sure they really got to her. She told Stacey she'd rather be comfy than sexy and she was happy just the way she was, but something wasn't right.

Lexie was great at dinner, engineering it so she and I sat together with Stuart across from me, keeping me away from Stacey. Didn't matter much, Stacey seems to have turned her attention to Stuart, for the minute anyway. Dinner was fun but I just can't help thinking it would have been better if it had been just me and Lexie, or better still, me and John Paul. I kept sitting there thinking about what he would have ordered and the comments he'd have made about the other diners. It would have been brilliant.

We went to the club and had a great time, but I had John Paul on my mind. The more I drank the more the DJ looked like him, even though they are nothing alike. Every time he played a song I hadn't heard I wondered if John Paul had heard it.

It was barely gone midnight when Jake called me. I could tell he'd been drinking and I guess he'd talked to mum who told him about Lexie and Stacey. He went on about how he knew I'd be fine and normal once I got away from THAT boy, he went on about how John Paul had corrupted me and made me think and feel things that weren't normal and he kept telling me how happy he was that I was normal again. I couldn't get a word in edgeways. I wanted to tell him I still love John Paul and would have him back in a second if he'd have me. He could hear I was in a club and Stacey started talking to me and flirting again whilst I was on the phone to him so he probably thinks his assumption is right, that I'm living it up with loads of girls here. He really wound me up and I know and I just know he'll go and tell John Paul how NORMAL I am again. I really hate him sometimes!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Thursday 27****th**** September 2007 – Entry 2**

Steph called me tonight. She rambled for a little while, telling me everything that had been going on, accidentally on purpose leaving out anything relating to the McQueens. It was good to speak to her, she's on the only one who didn't care about me and John Paul and just accepted me for who I am. How come she has no problem with the idea of her brother being gay but I still hate the idea? Just before we ended the call she told me Jake had had a go at John Paul, she doesn't know what he said but she saw John Paul later and he was looking really upset. I hope he's okay, maybe I should call him, or txt him. Lexie has said I should make contact, make sure he doesn't forget about me, try and work things out, but I'm still not sure. He walked away from me, why should I be the one to reach out?

**Friday 28****th**** September 2007**

Fresher's ball tonight, I'm not looking forward to it, I kinda just wanna curl up here and not have to make nice with people, but Lexie is determined we are going and we are going to have fun. I hope she's right.

**Saturday 29****th**** September 2007**

Hangover's are not fun!!

**Sunday 30****th**** September 2007**

So, Fresher's ball was good, drank way too much but all in all I had fun. I nearly txt John Paul last night but some guys made me drop my phone, the battery fell out, I wasn't sober enough to put it back together. It's probably a sign that it's a bad idea.

Classes start on Tuesday, hopefully I'm soon going to be too busy to think about anything but studying!


	9. Chapter 9

**Friday 5****th**** October 2007**

I haven't updated all week cause there really hasn't been much to say. Things are the same here, just getting to know my new surroundings and the new people in my life.

Stuart hasn't been around much, he's been spending time with the people on his course, his friends from last year. Lexie has been spending a lot of time in her room on her PC, which I guess isn't that surprising since she's studying computing. She does seem to be pretty moody, one minute she's happy as Larry, talking away no problem, and then I see her ten minutes later and she practically bites my head off. If she hadn't been such a great friend to me in my first few days here I'd be tempted to just ignore her and forget about it but I guess I see a bit of myself in her, she seems really confident on the outside, like she doesn't care what anyone thinks about her, but I have a feeling that deep down she just wants to be liked and she's unsure of exactly how to achieve that goal. Stacey has been flouncing around, she doesn't really have much work to do, seems to be a lot more practical in class than theory, either that or she's not doing what she's meant to be doing. She's been out every night, almost all night!

My hope of getting John Paul outta my mind when I started classes didn't work. He's on my mind every day. I dream about him every night, I wake up thinking about him, I wander through the halls thinking about him and I go to bed thinking about him. I manage to get distracted for a little while when I'm in classes but so far that's it. I've spoken to a few people, meeting some tomorrow for a drink but I still just feel really lonely without him here.

I called him today; from a payphone. I just wanted to hear his voice. I hung up almost as soon as he answered but god he sounded good. Lexie said I should speak to him, tell him I'm thinking about him, that I miss him, but I just keep thinking that he walked away from me, why should I be the first to reach out?

**Sunday 7****th**** October 2007**

Have I mentioned before I hate hangovers?

I had a decent time last night with the guys from my course. No-one there who is going to be a best friend but still, I'm sure we'll be friendly. I did it again though; I was in this club and kept imagining he was the DJ. Then this guy started chatting to me, blond hair, blue eyes, if only he'd been taller I think I might have jumped him. I ended up hooking up with some girl! I was drunk and lonely and she was there. I don't actually remember leaving the club and coming back here, I don't remember sleeping with her but she was here when I woke up. She gave me her number and left about ten minutes ago.

We ran into Lexie as she was leaving. I was kinda surprised to see her up; it's like six in the morning! She apologised if she'd woken us, said she doesn't sleep much and retreated to her room pretty quickly. She was wearing the same clothes I'd seen her in last week when she dropped the hot chocolate, a pair of guy's black boxers and a purple tank top. She hid her arms again as soon as we came out, which made me think she's got scars or something she's trying to hide. I wish I could tell her that I don't care 

what happened to her, if she did it herself or not, I just wanna be her friend, but how do I tell her that without making her feel uncomfortable, or making her shut down.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sunday 7****th**** October 2007 – Entry 2**

So I had a couple of weird phone calls this afternoon. Someone, from a Chester number called and hung up, three times. Part of me hopes it was John Paul but I'm not sure, it doesn't seem like something he would do, mind you, a few weeks ago I didn't think I'd do that! It seems like just the kind of thing Sarah would do and I just hope to god it's not her. I really hope she's moving on.

I managed to pry Lexie away from her computer tonight. Other than going to lectures she hasn't been out all week. With all her mood swings this week I'd almost forgotten how much I loved talking to her. We just chatted for hours about everything and nothing, it felt like our first day here together. We talked about my night out last night and the girl I ended up with. We talked about John Paul and my calling him and she told me again to call him, get back in touch, she told me I'd regret it if I didn't try. I know she's right, sorta, I'll always regret how things ended with John Paul but I can't make the first move, I just can't.

She did that thing again where it's like we're having this great two way conversation but she barely talked about herself. I finally just came out and asked her what was going on. I asked her why she never talked about herself. She laughed it off and said she wasn't very interesting and there really wasn't much to say, then tried to move the conversation back to me but I kept pushing her. I told her how I knew all these details about her but nothing more than a list of facts. I know what she's studying but not why? I know what music she likes, but how did she get into it? I know what foods she does and doesn't like, but how did she get so fussy? I know she has a sister, but I know nothing else about her family. I told her how I feel like she knows all the most intimate details of me and my life but I know nothing about her. She got very uncomfortable, looking at the table, playing with her nails, looking like she was trying to think of something to say. I should have stopped, I should have let it go, but I pushed it further. I told her how I'd noticed she seems to keep her skin, particularly her arms, covered most of the time, I told her that it didn't matter to me why she was guarded, but I wanted her to know I was there for her if she needed me. She's been such a good friend and I just want to do the same for her. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes, said thanks but tried to assure me again that she was fine, there was no problem. She reminds me so much of myself, scared and unsure underneath, trying to convince everyone, including herself that she's fine and confident. I left it at that, but she was quiet until we got back, then she locked herself in her room again.

I like being with Lexie, she helps me miss John Paul a little less.

**Wednesday 10****th**** October 2007**

I dreamed about him again last night.

It's so vivid in my mind, I can't shake it.

If I close my eyes I can still feel him. I can feel his hands caressing my skin and his lips on mine. I can feel him inside me, pulsing, pushing, thrusting, harder and faster. I can feel his breath as it comes in hot 

gasps against my throat; even thinking about him like this is making me so hard. I can't believe how much I want him.

**Friday 12****th**** October 2007**

I had another two phone calls/hang ups from a Chester number today. I think I'll take Lexie's advise and call or txt John Paul.


	11. Chapter 11

**Saturday 13****th**** October 2007**

I picked the phone up three times to call him today, each time hanging up when he answered. I called from the flat's landline which has a withheld number so he wouldn't have known it was me. I just didn't know what to say. Lexie told me to say hello but she was just being a bit of a smart arse! Things have been better with her since we went out on Sunday, she's been around more, smiling more, talking more, still not talking about personal stuff, still hiding her skin, but smiling is a start. Anyways, I'm so easy to distract, I think I just don't wanna write what happened!

I was about to call him again tonight and take Lexie's advise when my phone rang, it was the Chester number again! This time when I answered it my earlier fears came true. I could hear a female's muffled sobs into the phone and I just knew it was Sarah. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I was upset that it wasn't John Paul who'd been calling me and I just didn't want to have to deal with Sarah.

She cried for a few minutes and I just didn't say anything, what could I say? I know I broke her heart but I don't love her anymore. What she and I had doesn't even compare to what John Paul and I had. She eventually hung up without saying anything. She called back half an hour later and she sounded calmer. She asked how I was, how Trinity was, was I making friends? She told me about Hannah and college and something that happened on Friday in the halls at college, something to do with carbon monoxide poisoning. I hope everyone is okay, but I'm guessing since no-one else told me about it that everyone must be fine. Sarah just kept talked for what felt like ages. Looking back now, I have no idea how I used to put up with her for as long as I did! I was so bored on the phone to her, and I just wanted her to get to the point. Eventually she asked me if I'd thought about her, if I'd given up John Paul because I'd realised I loved her and didn't know how to tell her. She was so wrong I had no idea how to tell her. I just apologised and said no, there was nothing else I could say. I felt so bad when she said okay and hung up. I really hope she gets over this soon.

**Wednesday 17****th**** October 2007**

Darren called me today; apparently Mum and Jack will be fostering a kid! Ever felt like you are being replaced? He wanted me to call and talk her out of it, I'm sure I could have if I'd tried but if it's going to make her happy then who am I to stand in her way.


	12. Chapter 12

**Saturday November 10****th**** 2007**

God it's been ages since I updated this!

I remember when I started it and I updated every day! There was so much going on in my head I needed an outlet for it. I guess it did its job as I'm doing much better now. I still miss him everyday, I still think about him everyday and everywhere I go, but I smile at the memories now rather than getting upset about the fact he isn't here. I've stopped calling him just to hear his voice, but I really miss that voice.

Not much has been going on, really enjoying uni, love my classes and all the work I'm doing, I'm so glad I went back to school for another year so I could get in here and didn't just settle for somewhere else. I suppose my refusal to settle also brought me to John Paul and I wouldn't trade what we had for anything.

I seem to have done a pretty decent job of balancing uni work, work work and having a social life.

There is a good little group from my course I hang out with a lot during the week, going to the pub after lectures, hanging out in the SU bar etc, we also tend to work together whenever there is a group assignment which is fun. I got a job in a pub and work various shifts every week, but I always make sure I get either a Friday or Saturday night off and I go out with my flatmates. I'm still having fun with them most of the time. I still have no idea what is going on with Lexie, she still takes moods but she always seems to come out of them eventually. I just leave her be when she's like that then give her a hug when she recovers. Stacey still flirts with me but she knows it isn't going anywhere. Stuart and I are still drinking buddies, we like sitting down and watching a match, having a drink and just relaxing, it's fun.

I haven't spoken to anyone at home much. Steph told me all about her and Max, she's so excited, it's great to hear how happy she is. Mum and Jack have a new, long term foster kid called Barry. Darren says he's an emo and has totally demolished my room. I was a little miffed when he first told me but I guess it's not really my room anymore, my life is here, I don't see me ever going back and staying there for any length of time.

Anyways, things are finally going well, I'm happy, I'm getting over John Paul, I'm gonna be fine. I'm guessing I won't update this much more as I'm moving on.

**Sunday November 25****th**** 2007**

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shit, Fuck!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Sunday November 25****th**** 2007**

I really screwed up!

Lexie, Stuart and I went out for a few drinks last night. We ended up in this club I'd never been to or even heard of before, it was a place one of Stuart's mates had been raving about. As soon as we walked in the door I knew I should leave. Lexie gave me a little reassuring smile and asked if I wanted to leave but Stuart interceding, wanting to know why we'd want to leave, the place looked great, he hadn't realised at that point that we were in a gay club!

It didn't take long for him to figure it out, I'm sure the two guys practically shagging whilst standing next to him at the bar was a bit of a hint. He didn't really say nor do anything that really showed he was uncomfortable, he didn't mention the fact that it was a gay club, he just tried to get on with having a good night, but there was definitely something different. Anyone who'd never met him before or didn't spend much time with him that night would think he was happy and fine, but Lexie and I both knew differently! He was uncomfortable but trying hard not to show it!

I was totally uncomfortable as well, but for different reasons. I was sitting wondering if the guys in this club could tell I'd been, or even still am, in love with another guy! I drank way too much in an effort to hide my discomfort but that only made things worse. I was looking around at the guys dancing and I saw him everywhere! He was the DJ, the bartender, the guy staring at me from the other side of the room, the guy going crazy in the middle of the dance floor and by the time some guy started hitting on me I was so sure it was him I didn't think twice! I was all over him and I was so drunk that I barely remember what happened next. Or maybe it wasn't the drink, maybe I don't want to remember because right now I feel like I cheated on John Paul! I don't remember Stuart or Lexie leaving, although I'm sure she tried to talk to me, but I was so engrossed in what I was doing, so sure this guy was my guy, I didn't hear anything she said.

I ended up bringing him back here for some insane reason and he spent the night. When I got up this morning and saw him I felt sick! He had his arm round my waist and I felt like tiny little bugs were crawling all over me where he was touching me. I tried to discreetly get away from him but I guess I wasn't so stealthy, I woke him up and he started touching me and trying to kiss me, trying to get me going again, wanting a replay of last night but I couldn't even look at him, I'm so disgusted with myself, how could I do that to John Paul!

I asked him to leave and either he's got really thick skin or he's totally insane cause he tried to make plans with me for tonight! I didn't wanna totally hurt his feelings by telling him he was making me sick, so I took his number and promised to call, but that went right in the bin!

I can't believe how much I still miss John Paul. I want him here with me or me there with him, I don't really care, I just wish we were together. I want him to hold me and tell me he loves me and tell me everything will be okay. I don't want to have screwed up as much as I have, but I can't fix this, it's gone too far, I can't go back, god, I want to go back, why can't I go back?!


	14. Chapter 14

**Sunday November 25th 2007 – Entry 3 – 6.30pm**

I've hidden in my room all day, I can't face Stuart and Lexie, I don't wanna know what they think about me after last night. I really can't explain how I'm feeling right now, I wanna scream, or punch someone or something, or cry or, god I don't know, I just can't believe I did that, why did I do that!!

**Sunday November 25th 2007 – Entry 4 – 11pm**

I need to do something, I just don't know what.

I've been sitting alone in my room all day. I feel like I have a million thoughts running through my head, every conceivable thought about what happened not only last night, but since I first met John Paul. The what if's are driving me insane, what if he'd been straight, what if he'd never met Spike, what if I'd chosen Sarah over him, what if he'd come with me. I can't stop this random jumble of thoughts and I feel like my head is going to explode! I need to do something, I'm trying to keep writing but there isn't much more I can write, how can I find a million different ways of saying how crap I feel cause I screwed up!

**Monday November 26th 2007 – 3.30AM**

I haven't been to sleep yet.

I can't get him outta my mind. I see him every time I close my eyes. This is hopeless, I love him so much, how could I have screwed it up!!

**Monday November 26th 2007 – 6.30AM**

Just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, I can't believe what I've done, thank god he isn't here and can't see me like this.


	15. Chapter 15

**Monday November 26th 2007 – 3.30pm**

So I've calmed down since this morning and I'm not sure I wanna have a record of what happened but Lexie said it'll be good for me, so here goes.

I didn't sleep at all last night, random thoughts about how much I've fucked up kept going through my mind. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, I punched my pillows and threw stuff around in a rage then curled up and cried some more. I honestly thought it couldn't get any worse. Lexie knocked on my door at some point, I'm not sure what time it was but I yelled at her to fuck off and leave me alone. I wish I'd listened to her then, talked to her or something, maybe she'd have calmed me down, stopped me from being an idiot.

In my defense, it was an accident, I didn't mean it, at least, I don't think I did. I was hurting so much I needed a way to release all the pain and frustration and anger and sadness that was bubbling inside me. I honestly thought that if I didn't find a way to get rid of it then I would explode! I went to get a drink but I'm guessing that between the combination of the strength I used to put the glass down and the grip I had on it, I smashed it. I don't think I screamed, but I know I made a noise as Lexie was at my side in a second. I pushed her away and ran back to my room. I still had glass in my hand and it was bleeding quite badly. I sat for what felt like ages, just looking at the blood, running down my arm and dripped onto my leg. I was so tired and I remember thinking that if I went to sleep and didn't wake up that I didn't really care! Does that constitute a suicidal thought? I remember thinking how watching the blood flow out felt like all my emotions were flowing with it, like it was taking everything away and cleansing my body of the hurt and anger that had consumed me all night. I picked some of the glass out of my hand and sat looking at it. I barely felt any pain and I wondered why that was. I took the bit of glass and dragged it down the middle of my arm. It wasn't a particularly sharp bit of glass, I would have needed a lot of pressure to really do any damage but the skin split quite easily and more blood trickled out. As I watched it leave I just felt numb and totally empty.

The next few hours are a bit of a blur. Lexie came into my room with a box and bandaged up my hand and arm. She didn't ask any questions and I'm grateful she didn't, I'm not sure I could have put a sentence together. She led me outside and into a waiting taxi, took me to the hospital and got me all sorted out. They wanted me to speak to a shrink, maybe I should have, maybe a professional could have helped me get through this but I don't think I could have opened up to anyone else. Lexie stayed with me the whole time, dealt with the doctors and answered all the questions she could for me. I got that feeling again, like she isn't a stranger to this procedure.

So, here I am, typing with one hand, missed a day of lectures and feeling like shit.

Please tell me things can only get better?


	16. Chapter 16

**Tuesday November 27****th**** 2007**

I didn't go to uni again today. Figured if I can't write there isn't much point. I phoned John, a mate from my course and he's going to photocopy his notes for me and keep me updated on any assignments. I doubt I'll go in all week so he said he'd drop them round at the weekend. I've got an appointment on Monday to get the stitches out, so I guess I'll go back to uni on Tuesday.

All I really want to do is curl up in my room on my own but Lexie won't let me, I'm really glad she's here. We've been sitting in front of the TV all day. She hooked her laptop in and she had loads of movies and TV shows we've been sitting watching. She's been making me watch this show called Numbers which is really cool; most of the maths goes way over my head but its fun. I've never been so engrossed in a TV show before, but it's been good, taken my mind off my own problems by focusing on the lives of other people, even if they are fictional.

I don't know if I'm surprised that Lexie hasn't asked me about what happened, any normal person would have a million questions but she's not mentioned it once. Most people, if they are avoiding speaking about something, are very wary and mention it by accident or are generally, you know, weird about it, but with Lexie it's like completely non-existent! I'm guessing she'd happily discuss it if I did, as long as we're discussing me and not her but I'm glad she's just leaving it be.

**Thursday November 29****th**** 2007**

I've somehow managed to avoid Stuart and Stacey since my, god I don't even know what to call it, my indiscretion, my bad judgment call, my moment of insanity? Anyways, I bumped into Stuart today and he was so weird with me. He didn't say or do anything mean or acted like he was homophobic, he was just a little detached, a little different from how he was before, I don't know whether he's adjusting to the news that I'm not 100 straight or if he really is homophobic. Surely if he was he'd have walked outta the club, not stayed and tried to be okay with it. Maybe it's something he's just never been around before, that would explain it. People can sometimes think they are okay with alternative lifestyles until they are confronted with them. I don't know whether to ask him what's wrong or leave him be and let him get over it in his own time, but what if he doesn't, what if he turns into a total homophobe? Could I live here with him if he did?


	17. Chapter 17

**Thursday November 29****th**** 2007 – Entry 2**

So I spoke to Lexie about Stuart, I'm not sure what to say to him, if I should say anything at all. She said to leave it just now, that it seems to her like he isn't homophobic, just never been around it before so is unsure how to act. She's going to have a word with him in a roundabout sort of way, her words, not mine, and see what he says. Hopefully she can figure out what's up with him. I still haven't seen Stacey, but that isn't unusual, she's never here.

**Thursday November 29****th**** 2007 – Entry 3**

I don't know if Stuart is going to be an issue or not!

Lexie had a chat with him and apparently he's fine with gays, he doesn't care what people do in their own homes, he's just never had it shoved in his face before. He didn't want to be rude at the club and either stare or leave, but it made him uncomfortable. He apparently has no problem with me if I'm gay, he gets that it doesn't change who I am, who he's gotten to know, he just doesn't want to have to see me being intimate with a guy. I can't help but think that if John Paul was here and if, god willing, I ever get him back, I don't wanna hide away again, and I've been there, done that. I'm ready to do stupid stuff like hold hands and kiss in public, if my flat mates can't deal with that I think I'll need to move out.

**Friday November 30****th**** 2007**

I had a chat with Stuart today, he had lots of questions. He wanted to know about the girls I'd brought back here, how I could be with them and a guy, I told him a little about John Paul, how I'd met someone, became really close friends that developed into more. I told him how I fought it for ages cause I didn't want to be gay but at the end of the day it isn't about being gay or straight, cause realistically I'm neither, I like who I like and I can't help that. He said he'd be fine if I wanted to bring guys back, after all, I pay my rent, same as he does, he can't and wouldn't stop me, but he asked that I keep anything intimate to my bedroom. I told him I probably wouldn't be bringing guys back here, I love one guy and can't see myself with anyone but him, but if I ever did, I'll be respectful of his feelings. I also asked him not to tell anyone about me being bi, I just wanna live my life, I don't want to be labeled. He didn't quite understand but he agreed.

**Sunday December 2****nd**** 2007**

Lexie and I had another night in last night. She's actually barely gone out since last weekend; I think she enjoys having someone to fuss over. I questioned her about it a few times, didn't she have lectures etc to go to but she just fobbed me off, said something about being a computing degree all the notes were available online and if you understood them you didn't really need to go to lectures, she could do all her work from home and email it to her lecturers, so she never had to leave her room if she didn't want, I think I should change course, that sounds so much easier. John arrived yesterday with everything I missed last week, it's a shitload of stuff to catch up on and I have an assignment due in two week, will need to get cracking on it cause it's worth 40 of my final semester grade!

Anyway, Stuart and Stacey (whom I haven't seen in nearly 2 weeks!) were both out for the night, going to parties and staying with friends or something. I was quite glad for it to be just me and Lexie. It's so easy with her, I'm so comfortable around her, there is no hiding, no pretense, no misinterpretation of our friendship, it's just, well, nice!

We watched more of that show Numbers, I'm totally hooked now! Got a feeling I'll be spending my Christmas holidays veging out watching it. We ordered take away and had a few too many beers, we laughed and talked and curled up on the sofa watching TV till we fell asleep. Today was the first day I woke up not thinking about and missing John Paul, of course, once I was fully awake that changed but for a brief instant when I woke up, curled up with Lexie on the sofa, I was calm, almost peaceful. I liked being there like that with her, she isn't some super skinny bony girl like Sarah was, she's not fat, she is by no means overweight, but you can't feel her bones sticking out, so it was comfy sleeping with her, holding on to her and it was nice that it had no sexual overtones, from either of us, it was just, well, nice.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thursday December 13****th**** 2007**

So, not much has been going on here for the last few weeks. Lexie and I have been hanging out a lot, she's been helping me with some computer type stuff I need to do for my course and I've helped test some programs she had to write. It's been a giggle; I'm just so comfortable with her, like I've known her forever. John Paul is still on my mind pretty much daily but I'm learning to smile when I think of him rather than get upset at what I've lost. I'm actually starting to look forward to going home for Christmas but I've been debating whether to txt or call him first. I think I should, don't wanna shock him by just turning up. Yeah, that sounds like a plan, I'll do it this weekend and book a flight for next weekend.

**Saturday December 15****th**** 2007**

I don't believe it, I really don't believe it!

I know I hurt her but I thought she'd have wanted me home. I can't believe she doesn't want to see me, this sucks!

**Sunday December 16****th**** 2007**

So, explanation of yesterday's entry. I called mum yesterday morning, didn't get the chance to tell her I was planning to go home next weekend before she started talking about how I probably couldn't go home cause I have exams in January and work will be busy and wanting me in over Christmas. She went on and on and on about how she understood that I couldn't come home and didn't give me the chance to say I had been planning to go home, I know she's got that foster kid in my room but seriously, I thought she'd have been pissed if I hadn't wanted to go home. I thought she'd be over the moon to see me. I guess she's just trying to keep me away from John Paul.

This really sucks, I'm going to be stuck here on my own, everyone else is going home, god I really don't wanna stay here!

**Friday December 21****st**** 2007**

So everyone is gone, I'm all on my own, this is gonna suck.

**Saturday December 22****nd**** 2007**

Lexie told me she was going home. Stacey told me she left yesterday morning but I found her at 3AM this morning, standing in the living room, drinking a cup of something and staring out the window again. I didn't wanna scare her again cause I didn't tell anyone I wasn't going home, didn't want to explain why I changed my mind, or rather had it changed for me, so she doesn't know I'm here. I'll need to see her later today and find out why she lied about going home.

**Saturday December 22****nd**** 2007 – Entry 2**

I kicked around all day, being quiet so not to scare her but noisy enough that she could hear me, she hasn't come out of her room all day. If she thinks she's got the place to herself why is she staying her room?

**Saturday December 22****nd**** 2007 – Entry 3**

Okay, I'm officially worried, I txt Lexie to tell her I decided not to go home, that I'm back in the flat and she hasn't responded. I tried the door to her room and it was locked from the inside, I'm really worried and I don't know what to do.


	19. Chapter 19

**Sunday December 23****rd**** 2007**

Jesus Christ what a bloody night!

So, I called Lexie, whilst standing outside her door. I heard her phone ring but didn't hear any movement by her to answer it. I banged on the door and yelled her name, still nothing; I was seriously freaked so I grabbed a stool from the kitchen and knocked the door down. I've never been so glad to live in cheapish student accommodation! I've also never been quite so scared before, seeing her lying there, blood everywhere, it was insane! She was lying on her bed, a box beside her, obviously the box she had that night she helped me, it had antiseptic, bandages, plasters and all sorts of other first aid stuff, as well as razors, scissors and a bit of glass. Another pair of scissors were on the floor, I guess she dropped them when she passed out. I was so terrified she was already dead, I didn't wanna touch her, but I've watched enough TV to know that I had to check for a pulse, I've never felt such relief when I felt it there, albeit really faintly beating in her neck. I called an ambulance and tried to stop the bleeding while I waited. There was so much blood I couldn't see where she'd hurt herself! I just grabbed the bandages and put pressure on her arm, I have no idea if I was even in the right vicinity!

When the ambulance guys arrived they asked me all these questions and I couldn't answer any of them. It's weird that I feel like I know her so well, I feel like she's one of my best friends, but I couldn't tell them who her next of kin was or a contact number for her family. We didn't stop long enough to lift her phone before getting her in the ambulance. They asked if she'd been depressed but really, the last few weeks she's been great, really happy and upbeat most of the time, I don't understand why she'd do something like this?! They asked if she'd ever done anything like this before and although I've suspected I don't actually know, how can I not know these things about someone who is meant to be one of my best friends!

The doctors gave her blood and stitched her up. She apparently had hit a vein and that's why she passed out. When they stopped the blood and cleaned her arm I was totally shocked by what I saw, this was so not the first or even second time she's done this, in fact, from the amount of scars there the doctor surmised she had been doing this for years. I had a feeling she was hiding her arms for a reason and I suspected that reason was self harm but I figured she was probably over it cause she doesn't seem unstable most of the time and surely people who do this regularly would be so crazy they couldn't function properly like she has for ages? I remember Lisa Hunter going through self harm and she was always down and moody and didn't wanna be around people, she yelled and screamed a lot when Steph tried to help her but Lexie isn't like that, I don't get how she can have been doing this the whole time I've known her and other than one or two very small things, she's been totally normal!

When she came to she was pissed that she was in a hospital. She wouldn't talk to the shrink until they threatened to section her; I can't believe I know someone that a hospital wanted to section! She talked to the guy they brought in for like five minutes, talked to someone on the phone then the hospital actually let her sign herself out! She's to go back in a week to get the stitches out and they asked if I was going to be around to keep an eye on her, which I agreed to do, but I really don't know what I can do if she does this again? Call an ambulance again, try to stop the bleeding, surely there is something else I can do, she's been so great with me, helping me cope without John Paul, I need to repay the kindness she's given me, but how do I do that?

When I was sitting in that hospital I called him again, first time in ages. I was just so scared and I wanted to hear his voice. It went to voicemail, but that was enough, I just wanted to reach out to him, be close to him, maybe I'll txt him next week, wish him a happy new year or something, I dunno, but I guess if Lexie can teach me anything it's that life is too short to live it with regrets. I'm gonna contact him, I just need to get through this stuff with Lexie then I'm going to do it!


	20. Chapter 20

**Monday December 24****th**** 2007**

Lexie hasn't spoken to me, not one word! She's locked herself in her room again, but at least I can hear her moving around. I want to help her, I want her to talk to me, but I don't know how to reach out to her, I don't actually know her that well.

**Tuesday December 25****th**** 2007 – 5PM**

So I did it, I txt him! I decided I didn't want to wait until New Year so I sent him just a basic txt wishing him a Merry Christmas, said I was missing him and would love to see him in Dublin, just need to wait and see if he replies.

Lexie still hasn't talked to me, she's just locked herself away, but at least I can hear her moving around so I know she's still alive.

**Tuesday December 25****th**** 2007 – Entry 2 – 11.30PM**

Merry Fucking Christmas!

I can't believe I'm stuck in a flat, in Dublin, on my own on Christmas fucking day! How bloody fantastic is my life! I've had enough; I really don't know how much longer I can stand this!

**Wednesday December 26****th**** 2007 **

I've never been so grateful for a friend like Lexie, she's so amazing considering everything she's been through, and I really don't know how she does it.

So, last night, sitting here on my own I got very very drunk. John Paul didn't reply to my txt and I got pretty upset about it. I guess he's moved on and I just need to move on as well. The drunker I got the more I started to feel like there just wasn't a point to it anymore, I don't wanna be here without him, nothing seems worth it. I started looking at the scars on my hand and arm and remembering how big a relief it was when I did that, how the blood took away all the emotions that were coursing through me. I was sitting on the sofa with a pair of scissors, ready to do it, to just feel that numb again when Lexie finally emerged and told me not to do it, it wasn't worth it.

She sat down at the other end of the sofa, curled up into a cushion and asked why I wanted to hurt myself. I just totally broke down, told her about my txt to John Paul and how he hadn't responded. I just unloaded on her, everything I'd been thinking and feeling for days, how mum hadn't wanted me to go home, how I was tired and lonely and just didn't see a point to it all anymore, I told her how when I cut my hand I'd had all these pent up emotions and when I smashed that glass, when the blood flowed, it took the pain away with it. I told her I was tired of hurting and I just wanted to be numb again. She told me she knew exactly how I felt and I should trust her, I don't wanna go down that road. She finally opened up and told me everything.

She told me how she'd never fitted in anywhere before. Even as a kid of five or six she'd always been different. She was bullied because she was smart but then people made fun of her if she was asked a question and didn't know the answer. They made fun of her clothes, her hair, everything about her; nothing was ever cool enough for the other kids. Her mum's response to this was to tell her to ignore it, but that didn't help it go away. She told me about high school and how she'd thought it would be so much better than primary school, she'd be confident and able to talk to the people around her and she'd finally have friends, but that didn't happen. She had friends who were her friends begrudgingly. They didn't include her in anything outside of school and she was the butt of most of their jokes.

One day when she'd had enough. She was walking home through some woods and she misplaced her footing, falling and badly scraped her arm, she was so full of emotion at the time she didn't even feel it, but, like me, when she saw the blood it felt like the emotion was leaving her. She hid the cut from everyone. For the next six months whenever things got on top of her she'd cut herself, just to get that feeling of relief, but each time she had to draw a little more blood, cut a little deeper to get that same feeling of relief, eventually she cut so deep she hit a vein and passed out.

After passing out she was sectioned and between the self harm and a whole load of other things she didn't go into, she was diagnosed as being bi-polar at only fourteen years old! She told me crazy stuff about being sectioned, like how for the first few weeks they didn't know what to do with her so they just kept her sedated till she realized what they were doing and decided she wanted out, that's when she actually slit her wrists and got those big scars I saw the other night. Her parents then put in some sort of private facility and she said that was the only time in her life she's felt relatively normal. She still had problems and spent most of her teenage years under section, fighting to cope, but more because she couldn't deal her family and they couldn't deal with her, so for the sake of her sanity she stayed in the hospital where people really understood her.

She said the private place was actually kinda great, like a big old house that had been converted to a place for kids to stay, they only took kids and everyone had their own bedroom and bathroom and they could decorate as they wanted. She still went to school, the same school she had before, but it had to be worked out to make sure an adult could see her all day and she couldn't run off, but mostly things were better. She still self harmed when things got bad but the instances became fewer and farther between.

She said that now, things can be going great, no problem at all, she's really happy and feels like she's really getting on her feet and everything is going to be fine, but then something comes along that knocks her down and she can't deal, so she has to fight not to hurt herself. For a long time it was the only coping mechanism she had and now it's always first in her mind when things fuck up.

She told me again not to start it, not to let myself fall into the trap because it's so difficult to pull yourself back out of that hole. When things are bad for her she can call one of the doctors who looked after her when she was sectioned, that's who she called the other night from the hospital, that's who convinced the hospital to let her go, she said if I'm feeling so bad I'm thinking about hurting myself that I need to talk to someone, she's made me promise to talk to her, no matter what is going on with her, if I'm feeling bad I've to talk to her.

I'm going to try, I don't want things to get worse, I wanna feel better, it's not going to happen quickly, but with someone else to talk to, maybe it will happen.

I made Lexie promise to talk to me if she needs to in the future. I told her I'm not going to judge her, that I just want to help but she says I have no idea what I'm letting myself in for. When she's at her worst she doesn't make any sense, she rants and raves and there is no talking her down, I told her I don't care, I guess I'll just need to deal with whatever she throws at me.

I spent last night with her in her room. Nothing sexual happened, it's not like that between us, but it's great we can just cuddle up and feel safe with each other and fall asleep. When we were talking and she was telling me about everything she'd been through she'd been wearing a long sleeved top, holding the sleeves tight, covering her arms. When we went to go to sleep she hesitated slightly, not wanting to sleep in the top but not used to letting people see her bare arms, I just smiled at her and took the top off, told her I didn't care what her arms looked like, she's my friend and nothing else matters. It was nice to see and feel her relax into my arms and just be comfortable with me. I hope I can help her when she needs it, I feel really close to her and I want to see her happy.


	21. Chapter 21

**Monday December 31****st**** 2007 – Hogmanay ******

Lexie and I have had a good few days, its great being on our own in the flat. We're going out tonight for Hogmanay, she taught me that nice new word, it's great. I always knew the Scots called New Year's Eve something weird but it's cool I know what it is now.

We didn't plan on it, but we've ended up together every night since that first night. Sometimes we fall asleep together on the sofa, sometimes we go to bed separately and I wake up in the middle of the night to find her sitting in the living room looking out the windows, cradling a cup of hot chocolate. I asked her why she does that, she told me part of the bi-polar means she doesn't sleep much and she likes the peace and calm of looking out to a street that is usually bustling with people and it being totally empty, she loves seeing just one or two people wandering aimlessly down the street, or watching a cat sneak around, looking for something to eat, it's all just so relaxed and peaceful, it helps her stay calm. I'd never thought about things that calm me before but I guess watching simple little things like that is quite peaceful, that and having John Paul's arms around me, the only other thing that has ever calmed me down.

I've still thought about him every day, but I think it's getting better. I'm sad that it's really over but I've accepted that I need to move on. It's not going to be easy but I am going to do it, no matter what.

**Tuesday January 1****st**** 2008 **

So, moving on maybe slightly easier than I thought, met this girl last night, Melinda, she was really sweet and totally HOT, we kissed at midnight to bring in the New Year, and she gave me her number and went home with her friends. I kinda like that she didn't come home with me, I think I'd actually like to get to know her before starting anything serious with her. I felt bad for Lexie, we went to the party together but cause I met Melinda she was left on her own for a little while. I wanna be there for her and want her to talk to me when she has a problem, but I can't stop living my life in case it might hurt her can I? On the way home I apologized for leaving her for a while and she told me I was being stupid, she told me I can't give up something I want to spare her feelings, I gotta just be me and she'll deal with whatever that entails, I just hope she doesn't get too attached and get possessive if I get a girlfriend, guess I'll just need to wait and see what happens.

**Friday January 3****rd**** 2008 **

I called Melinda today, figured best to wait a few days from New Year, but do it before we're back at uni and we're starting to stress about exams. We talked for a little while and agreed to go out for a drink tomorrow. I'm really nervous, I haven't been out on a proper date in over a year, not since I got with Sarah, I hope I don't screw it up. She seems really nice, I just don't know if I should tell her I think I'm bi and I've had a boyfriend, I think I'll ask Lexie what she thinks.

**Friday January 3****rd**** 2008 – Entry 2**

So, Lexie said to see how I feel, how much I like her, if I want to be totally honest with her or not. She also asked if I really thought I was bi and might consider having other boyfriend's in the future or if I was a straight guy who just happened to fall for a guy. She said she's known plenty of people who've been totally straight but fallen for someone of the same sex only once and as soon as that was over, although they fully admitted they were probably bi, they never had a same sex relationship again. She told me she's bi, she actually thought she'd told me before but I don't remember and she said she never had the guts to come out to her family, she said it was just one more thing for them to not understand about her. I want to ask her more about her family but I don't want to push too hard too soon, will just need to play it by ear.

**Saturday January 4****th**** 2008 **

Oh my god, I can't believe how nervous I am, I hope it goes okay.


	22. Chapter 22

**Sunday January 5****th**** 2008 **

So last night was okay, I was really nervous but so was she. I didn't try to impress her with my knowledge of foreign films or anything like I did with Sarah; I just tried to be natural, to be myself and figured if that wasn't good enough for her then tuff. I think that's something I've taken from my relationship with John Paul. Before him I was always trying to be the person I thought other people wanted me to be, I thought Sarah wanted me to be smart and funny, so I faked it, I thought Natalie wanted me to be experienced, so I faked it, I thought Darlene wanted me to be a protector, so I faked it, but with John Paul there was no faking it, I was just me, I think that's part of why I loved him so much, he had no expectation of who I should be, he just liked me for me, so that's who I'm going to be.

Mel seemed okay with that as well. She laughed at my jokes and seemed genuinely interested in me, asking about family and friends and my course. I was pretty honest with her, told her the basics about life in Hollyoaks and a little about John Paul although I was just careful not to say he or she so if I decide to be totally honest with her she can't say I lied about it, misled her maybe, but didn't lie outright. I mentioned someone else got hurt when my ex and I got together but didn't go into detail about Sarah, was too much for a first date I think. She's had a pretty boring past, in her words anyway, normal childhood, mum, dad and one sister, she says she was just one of those ordinary people at school who never really got involved with the popular crowd or the bad crowd, she was and still is just normal. She told me a little about her ex, how they got together and that it was an amicable break up when they were going to different universities in different countries. I honestly can't believe how normal she is compared to everyone I know, it seems like nothing strange or unusual has ever happened to her or anyone she knows, when you compare her life to mine you'd think I lived in the middle of a soap or something, there is ALWAYS something going on LoL.

We had a few drinks in the union and a game of pool, it was the first time I played pool and didn't think about John Paul the entire time. He did cross my mind, but Mel helped distract me. She's a pretty good player, but naturally I'm better! We left pretty early, and wandered down to the Quay where we just talked more. I'm nowhere near as comfortable with Mel as I was with Lexie when we first met but I think I could learn to trust her and hopefully get close to her, maybe she will be the one to help get me over John Paul, maybe she won't, but it's a good feeling knowing that I'm happy to be moving on.

We agreed to keep things very light just now, we both have exams and are starting to stress about them so I said I'll call her later in the week for a chat and we'll just take things from there.

**Sunday January 5****th**** 2008 – Entry 2**

I haven't seen Lexie all day, not sure if I should be worried or not?

**Tuesday January 7****th**** 2008 **

Stacey came back today, back to her usual self, flirting nonstop, maybe if I screwed her she'd leave me alone!

**Friday January 10****th**** 2008 **

Stuart arrived back today, his girlfriend in tow, apparently she was getting tired sitting around at home waiting for him to call, so she's moving here. She seems okay I guess, just need to wait and see what she's like.

I called Mel today, we didn't talk for long, she had to get back to studying so we agreed to talk again after exams are over, hope that wasn't just an excuse and she was blowing me off!


	23. Chapter 23

**Friday 25****th**** January 2008**

Last exam, thank god that's over, I hate exams.

I think I did okay, I really like my course and I totally get everything I'm studying and I totally understand it. I hope I get good marks; it'll give the New Year a right kick start 

Lexie has been really quiet the last few weeks, she said it's just exam stress and she's tried to brush it off but I think she and I need a night out away from Stacey and Stuart and Jen. Stacey has been having a go at Lexie for no apparent reason and I've just about had enough of it! I don't know why she is such a bitch to Lexie and no-one else. Stacey and Jen have been getting on great guns but again, Jen is kinda weird with Lexie and me. She's really possessive over Stuart and although he and I still get on great, whenever she's around he's a little subdued, like he's holding back and not being himself cause of her.

Lexie hasn't been sleeping much and I keep finding her sitting in the living room at weird times of the morning. I seriously don't know how she functions on such little sleep! She says its part of the manic depression and the meds she takes, she just doesn't need as much sleep and she's never really tired. I sometimes think sleep is a waste of time, I mean you get 24 hours in a day and you spend most of it working or studying or doing something that isn't just for you then you spend around 8 hrs sleeping, why sleep when you could do something you actually wanted to do, I just don't know if could cope on that little sleep!

I haven't called Mel again, not sure if she was just stressed with exams or if she was blowing me off last time I called, I guess I just need to take the plunge and call again, I'm not going to get anywhere if I don't try.

Right, plan for tonight/tomorrow

Grab Lexie, go for dinner and to the pub or something, focus on her all night, no distractions!

Call Mel,

Speak to Stacey about her attitude

Download notes/timetable for new classes

Hows that for organisation!!! 

**Saturday 26****th**** January 2008**

Lexie and I had a great time last night, we talked and laughed and acted stupid and it was a lot of fun. We had dinner then went to my work where we hung out and got cheap drink all night. It was so weird to be out with her in public and she rolled her sleeves up without even thinking about it. I just smiled when she did it and she asked me what I was smiling at and I didn't want to tell her, didn't want her to get self conscious and cover her arms again. I think it's great she's so comfortable with me she just does that and doesn't even realise she's done it, if that makes any sense whatsoever LoL.

We sat up all night talking, I mean literally ALL night and I think I may have gotten to the bottom of the Stacey situation, apparently before Christmas Stacey walked in on Lexie in the bathroom and saw her arms. In Lexie's words, "she wasn't quite as cool about things and kinda freaked out". Lexie said she's been really off with her ever since and that was part of the problem when she hurt herself last month. She's taken to ignoring her as much as poss but with Jen there now she feels like they are ganging up on her and its hard to ignore them. We fell asleep on the sofa as the sun was coming up and it was nice to just curl up with Lexie and feel safe and comfortable, I feel as comfy with her as I do with John Paul, which is kinda weird.

I always assumed I fell for John Paul cause of how close we were, how comfortable we were with each other, I could tell him anything like I can with Lexie, I loved to just hang out, have a laugh, get drunk, play computer games, do whatever with him and I'd never had that before, I always thought I fell for him because he's such an amazing person and be cause I'm so comfortable and myself around him, but I feel that way around Lexie, but I have NO romantic feelings for her. I tried to imagine it this morning as she was sleeping in my arms and it felt kinda how I imagine kissing Steph would be like, I love Lexie to pieces, but I don't fancy her. I wonder if I'll ever have romantic feelings for a girl again?

Speaking of which, I've I need to call Mel.

**Saturday 26****th**** January 2008 – Entry 2**

So Mel was def blowing me off last time, a guy answered her phone saying he was her Boyfriend and not to call again, I guess my insane life was a little too insane for her. I guess next time I don't tell anyone as much info as I told Mel and I'm def not going to talk about John Paul.

**Saturday 26****th**** January 2008 – Entry 3**

Stacy and Jen are such bitches!!!

I just caught them giving Lexie a hard time, saying how she fancies me and someone like her could never get someone like me. I really let them have it, I seriously just lost it, I really wanted to kill them. Lexie just told them to fuck off, said she didn't fancy me, we were just friends and even if she did fancy me she wouldn't be naive enough to think she could have me. They then accused her of hurting herself to get my attention and sympathy, she just laughed, shook her head and started to walk away but they wouldn't get her, they kept attacking her, wanting to know about her self harm and how she does it, why she does it etc, they would not give in! I pushed past them, grabbed hold of her then just yelled at them that they had no idea what they were talking about, they are just stupid immature little girls and have no idea what it's like to be a human being with compassion and how to make other people feel good about themselves, I told them how Lexie has helped me through one of the toughest times in my life and how she is exactly the kind of genuine caring person I hope to one day spend the rest of my life with, I told them how I was hung up on my ex and if I'd been free and clear when I arrived in Dublin there would have been more chance of me falling for Lexie than either of them!

I then marched her out and into my room. She said thanks but I could see her pulling on her sleeves and I just know she was thinking about hurting herself, she kept telling me she was fine and she doesn't care what they think but I'm scared to leave her alone now. She's curled up on my bed just now, reading a book; I don't know how to make this better.


	24. Chapter 24

**Sunday 27****th**** January 2008**

Lexie and I went out again last night. She was trying to smile and be nice and engaged but she had this look in her eye like she just wanted to curl up in a ball and ignore the world. I know that look, I've had that look, I want to help her but I feel like she's put the walls back up and won't let me in. I'm kinda scared she's going to hurt herself again. I haven't seen her this morning yet, god I hope she's okay.

**Sunday 27****th**** January 2008 – Entry 2**

She's locked herself in her room and I can't get her to come out. She said she's working on something for uni and said she just needs to lock herself in with her PC for a few days and get on with it. I don't know what to do. Jen and Stacey have gone shopping, Stuart wants me to go out for a drink with him, I don't wanna leave Lexie but I can't spend all my time looking after someone else, especially if she doesn't want help, I need to have my own life as well. I think I'll go have a few drinks and come back quite quick, maybe grab some takeaway.

**Monday 28****th**** January 2008**

Spent way too long at the pub last night, came home well after midnight, totally forgot about the idea of bringing Lexie some food, I hope she ate. It was nice to have a night out and not worry about everyone and everything, as much as I love Lexie and wanna help her I don't know what I can do to help other than get depressed myself. She knows I'm here if she wants to talk, I guess I just need to leave it at that.

**Saturday 9****th**** February 2008**

This semester is going to be harder than last; only a week into my classes and the workload is already insane!

Lexie has been okay, kinda quiet, focussed on work but I see her every now and then without long sleeves on so I know she's not hurting herself. Jen and Stacey are avoiding both of us which I'm quiet grateful for and I've barely seen Stuart either, have a feeling Jen has told him she doesn't like me and that's why he's been avoiding me as well, he's so under the thumb.

Went out with John and James from the course last night, we had fun in this club and I ended up with this girl, Jane. She seems nice but after what happened with Mel I'm not going to get my hopes up that this could turn into something more serious. She gave me her number; I think I'll wait a few days before calling her.

**Wednesday 13****th**** February**

So I called Jane, we talked briefly, I was pretty guarded most of the time, don't really want to get hurt again, thoughts of John Paul just keep creeping into my mind when she's flirting with me. I liked her, she was nice, but I don't wanna get invested in anything if until I'm sure. I'm working at the pub tonight, late shift, she's going to come down with a friend, that way there is no pressure on either of us. She's got a mate to keep her company and I'm working so got an excuse to be busy if I want to be.

**Thursday 14****th**** February**

Last night was good, Jane seems very low maintenaince, we're going out again on Saturday, I'm actually looking forward to it. I hope John Paul is happy and moving on, cause I think I finally am.

**Friday 15****th**** February**

Apparently Jake and Nancy got married yesterd?? Nice of anyone to let me know, did no-one think I mighta wanted to be there?

**Sunday 17****th**** February**

Spent most of yesterday really pissed off about Jake and Nancy, it would have been nice to see my brother getting married again, even if it is a little weird he's marrying his late wife's sister who is a year younger than me! I had a chat with Lexie and calmed down a bit before meeting up with Jane.

I think I'm going to really like her, we went for dinner and there was totally no pressure, it was nice and easy, she's easy to talk to and I only thought about John Paul twice. We haven't had the ex conversation yet, not sure what I'll tell her when we do, am sure I'll mention Sarah but not sure if I'll mention how/why it ended like I did with Mel. We went to a club after Dinner and Jane was so free and comfortable with herself, she didn't care what people around her thought, she just got really into the music and danced like crazy for ages. It was a good night.

**Tuesday 18****th**** March**

Bugger, why do I screw things up so bad?


	25. Chapter 25

**Tuesday 18****th**** March – Entry 2**

Jane and I went out for Dinner last night and she stayed over for the first time. The first few times we kissed I couldn't get John Paul out of my mind but I thought I'd gotten past that, I haven't been kissing her and thinking of him for a while so I thought I could do it last night, but I couldn't. I didn't want to disappoint her but as much as I like her, think she's really pretty and sexy and I wanted to sleep with her, I couldn't make my body co-operate, till I closed my eyes and he was there, smiling down at me. He always made me feel safe when we slept together, he knew just where to touch me and how to drive me crazy and the more I thought about him, the harder I got, she thought it was her, but in my mind she was gone and he was here, like we'd never been apart. Everything I've been holding in since he left me I let out with her, cause I thought she was him and she told me this morning she's never had it so good. God, why do I do this to myself, I need to get him out of my mind, I need to let him go!

**Wednesday 19****th**** March**

Steph called, Jake tried to kill himself and Charlie the other day, he then tried to get mum to help him run away, but she called the police on him and got him sectioned! Apparently he's been going off the deep end for a while and he tried to rape Nancy, I can't believe he'd do that, I mean he's my big brother, the only sane one in the family, I always looked up to him, if he's gone crazy what does that say about the rest of us!

**Thursday 20****th**** March**

I snapped at Lexie last night!

She knew something was up so tried to talk to me about it, but I just told her to leave it alone. She wouldn't let it leave, kept telling me to talk to her, she could help but I just couldn't deal, not only with what happened with Jake and Jane but I spoke to mum and she told me not to come home, told me they were fine and I hadn't to interrupt my studies, I wanna be there for my family, I want to help them through this but mum won't let me! I always wanted to get away, get out on my own and not be tagged with the reputation and history the Dean name has in Chester, but now I'm away, all I want to do is go back!

I told Lexie I was fine and even if I wasn't, I know she's not been fine for ages but she won't open up to me, so why would I open up to her! I feel horrible about that, she was so hurt, but I was just so mad, I said it without thinking. She told me that I knew where she was when I was ready to talk and regardless of what was or wasn't going on with her; she's still my friend and will be there for me. I totally broke down at that, other than John Paul I've never had anyone outside my family offer me that kind of unconditional love and support. I told her everything about Jake and the section, Mum's response and what happened with Jane.

She was supportive and told me to give mum some time, its not easy to see your kids locked away and she probably just wants to spare me the heartache of seeing him like that, I guess I kinda understand that but I want to be there to help them! Lexie said I should write to Jake and mention to him about going for a visit and I can go after exams are finished, then just pop in and see mum and everyone, she's sure they'll be glad to see me when I'm there, regardless of what they are saying now, I guess she's right.

RE: Jane she didn't have much advice. She told me it isn't healthy for me or fair to Jane to keep imagining John Paul when I'm with her. She said not to try and sleep with her again till I get thoughts of John Paul out of my head and I can think only of Jane. She told me not to lie to her completely but be fair to her, or else just bite the bullet and call John Paul and try to rekindle that if that is what I want to do, I don't know what to do for the best.

**Saturday 22****nd**** March**

Steph is getting married to Max, I can't believe it, I'm so happy for her. She's going to call me with the wedding details; she wants me to give her away 

**Saturday 5****th**** April**

I did it, I slept with Jane without thinking of John Paul, I think I'm finally over him, it's strange, I thought I'd feel relieved that he's finally really out of my life and out of my head but I feel like I've lost something, like there is this little bit of me that will always be his and now I've let him go, its gone as well. I just need to get on with things and look towards the future with Jane.

**Sunday 13****th**** April**

I got a letter from Jake, he doesn't want to see me till he's better, he said to keep in touch as it was great to hear from me and maybe if he's better during the summer I can go visit him. He told me not to muck up my exams cause of family drama; I know he's right, I just wish I could be there for them.

Things are still going well with Jane, she's so much fun to be around, I just wished I could talk to her like I do Lexie, but I guess that trust will take time.

**Friday 16****th**** May**

God Jake, why did you do it?


	26. Chapter 26

**Saturday 17****th**** May 2008**

Jake killed Louise's husband.

We barely knew him, why did he do it? I don't understand, it doesn't make any sense!

**Tuesday 27****th**** May 2008**

Jake's confessed to killing sean and has been found guilty. He's never getting out of that place now!

Also, Steph and Max have broken.

**Sunday 8****th**** June 2008**

I love Lexie to death, but why won't she talk to me?

Jane has been staying over almost everynight for the last month, she's really helped me deal with everything with Jake, Lexie has been shut away, I'd have loved to talk to her about it but couldn't get two minutes alone with her. Jane doesn't like it, she never says anything but she gets jealous when I want to spend time with Lexie and want to talk to Lexie rather than her, but it's just cause Lexie knows everything about me, I know she'd understand what I'm going through.

She's having her own problems just now. I got up in the middle of the night and saw her heading for the bathroom, holding her arm. I knocked on the door and think I scared her. She told me to go away, she didn't want to speak, she was fine but I could tell she'd been crying. I told her I wasn't going anywhere till she opened the door and she couldn't stay in there all night. She finally let me in, she was cleaning up her arm, she'd obviously just cut herself. I got her to talk to me; she says she's just stressed. She's stressing about her exams, she's saying she's stupid, she can't do it, she doesn't understand the work, I tried to convince her otherwise but she was pretty irrational. She's normally so level headed, can see all sides of everything but last night she just couldn't see anything. She told me before when she's like this she can't see up from down, there is no talking her down, but I don't think I had any idea she'd be like that, it was kinda scary. I asked her why she didn't talk to me before getting in such a state she had to cut herself, she just shrugged and said she didn't wanna bug me with insane random thoughts I can't help with anyway.

I ended up sitting in her room for ages, talking about everything she was going through, everything with Jake and Steph, we even discussed John Paul, but when she asked me about Jane, I was lost for words. She's heard me tell Jane I love her, but I don't know if I really do. She's heard us sleeping together (she's rarely sleeps and hears EVERYTHING, so she says). She asked how I really feel, do I enjoy the sex, is she all that is on my mind when we're together and as much as I could say yes, I don't think about John Paul when I'm sleeping with Jane, I don't think I really enjoy it and I couldn't say that to Lexie, it felt like a betrayal of Jane, not sure if that'll matter anyway, I feel asleep sitting on Lexie's bed and woke up to Jane throwing something hard at us.

I told her nothing happened, told her she could see nothing happened, we were lying, fully dressed, on top of Lexie's bed, we weren't even cuddled up to each other. She calmed down eventually with both Lexie and I assuring her nothing was going on, that we are like brother and sister and Lexie telling Jane that she was upset and I was helping her. Jane's asked me not to do that again, not to go into Lexie's room in the middle of the night, I agreed.

**Monday 9****th**** June 2008**

We stayed at Jane's last night, she didn't wanna be around Lexie. I kept tihnking about what Lexie asked me, am I really happy with Jane. It was difficult to have sex with her, I wasn't in the mood and she was very in the mood, wanting to talk dirty and using her mouth more than she normally does, but I didn't want her mouth down there, it feels wrong somehow.

**Wednesday 11****th**** June 2008**

I can't believe I did that, I feined sleep to get out of sleeping with my girlfriend. It's a year later and I feel like nothing has changed, I'm lying to my girlfriend.

**Thursday 12****th**** June 2008**

I told Jane I was stressed with exams and I wanted to concentrate on them for the next two weeks and wanted to stay at mine, she said okay as long as she could stay as well, she doesn't want me alone with Lexie.

**Saturday 13****th**** June 2008**

I did it again, I made excuses not to sleep with her, this can't go on.

**Wednesday 18****th**** June 2008**

Everynight so far this week, I can't keep making excuses, she's going to know there is a problem.

**Friday 20****th**** June 2008**

I did it last night, I slept with her and I thought of him the whole time. I need to end it, I need to go back and see him, I need to know for sure it is really over.

**Saturday 21****st**** June 2008**

So I did it, I told Jane I was sorry, I didn't want to hurt her, but I thought we should break up.

She asked why, she thought things were going great, she raged for a while as she thought I was dumping her for Lexie, but I told her I was still in love with my ex, I couldn't quite say the words that my ex was a guy. She sat and cried and tried to figure out how to fix things for a few hours, but nothing she said or did was going to change my mind, I need to go back, I need to see John Paul and know for sure that it's over.

**Saturday 21****st**** June 2008 – Entry 2**

So I guess it is over, he's seeing someone else!

**Sunday 22****nd**** June 2008**

Steph called last night, her and Max are back together, they're getting married this week. I thought it was great at first, I'd go back, give her away and get to see John paul at the same time, but then she dropped the bombshell, he's seeing someone else, someone who'll be at the wedding! Steph said she'd love to see me, but she'd understand if I couldn't. I can't, I just can't see him with someone else.

**Tuesday 24****th**** June 2008**

Lexie and I had our last exams yesterday, we went out and had dinner and got very very drunk!

I spilt my guts out, told her everything that happened with Jane, everything Steph told me and how I feel for John Paul. She told me straight, I had two options, go back and fight for him, or move on.

If he's happy I can't upset his life again, I did that once, I can't do it again. I'd love to see Steph get married, hell, I'd love to give her away, but I can't see him. But I really don't want to sit here and mope till uni starts again. Stuart and Jen, Stacey and even Lexie are heading home for the summer. I feel so trapped here, I need to get out!

**Tuesday 24****th**** June 2008**

I've decided!

I'm going travelling. I have money saved, I have my passport, I've packed a bag and I'm going, I'll decide where when I get to the airport, but I'm outta here!


End file.
